Moppen :) #2
- Thread starter Geert
- Start date
DennisG
2f4r
SSR Lycorda
.GC only.
leuke verzameling...hate me later voor het scrollen >
Jokes in the real world
1 - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
2 - How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
3 - Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
4 - How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on 0208 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
5 - What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
6 - A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
7 - What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
8 - What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
9 - So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
10 - How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
11 - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
12 - Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
13 - A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
14 - A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
15 Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
17 - A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
18 - A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
19 - What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
20 - A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
21 - How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
22 - What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
23 - A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,
'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'
'Well what's so special about it?'
'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'
'Oh ok.'
The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
25 - A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk too much, which was possibly the point of the study."
26 - A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had."
27 - A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
28 - A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
29 - What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
30 - A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
31 - These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bull****, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.
32 - As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
(don't ask why there isn't a 16)
Jokes in the real world
1 - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
2 - How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
3 - Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
4 - How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on 0208 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
5 - What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
6 - A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
7 - What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.
8 - What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
9 - So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
10 - How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
11 - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
12 - Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: "Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?"
Jesus replies: "YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!"
13 - A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.
"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.
"What is it?"
"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."
The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.
14 - A man walks into a bar
He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.
15 Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
17 - A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies:
"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existance and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
18 - A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
19 - What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
20 - A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
21 - How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
22 - What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
23 - A wealthy businessman is flying to New York for two weeks, and he wants to keep his wife satisfied lest she sleep around. He drives his BMW to the adult store and asks the shop assistant for advice on the most pleasurable sex toys in the store. After being shown all of the options, every dildo and every vibrator, he is still unsatisfied. His eye then catches on a hand carved ivory box which is behind the counter. 'What about that one' he asks. The assistant tells him,
'I'm very sorry sir, but that isn't for sale, it's a very special voodoo dildo.'
'Well what's so special about it?'
'It is a genuine African hand carved dildo. It was given to the owner of the store as a gift. It's really just for show, and it could possibly splinter anyway.'
'Oh ok.'
The man leaves with nothing and heads off to New York. His wife has hot hot threesomes every night because she married for the money. They were girl-girl-guy.
25 - A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "That's hardly true. You just talk too much, which was possibly the point of the study."
26 - A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, I marry older men for their money and then wait until they die. Usually I don't have to have intercourse with them. They have alzheimer's and I just tell them it was the best I ever had."
27 - A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
28 - A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."
So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."
But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."
The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"
The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.
29 - What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
30 - A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
31 - These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof again." Second guy says "bull****, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay, asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and they go off to the roof in question.
During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.
32 - As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.
(don't ask why there isn't a 16)
SSR Lycorda
.GC only.
het zijn grappen over het hedendaags leven.
ik vond ze echt subliem
ik vond ze echt subliem
Ik weet nog wel een leuke (wel een aardig lange, leuk voor op feestjes )
Bij de gemeente zijn twee teams op nieuwe lantaarnpalen te plaatsen, een nederlands van 5 man, en een belgisch van ook 5 man. Ze vertrekken beide om 9 uur s'ochtens en ze moeten allemaal 10 lantaarnpalen plaatsen.
Om 6 uur komt het nederlandse groepje terug en ze hebben alle lantaarnpalen neergezet, ze besluiten toch nog ff te wachten op hun belgische collega's. Na twee uur gepilst (bier drinken) te hebben besluiten ze toch maar naar huis te gaan. De volgende morgen om 9 uur komt het belgische groepje eindelijk terug, vraagt de opzichter aan de belgen: hoe kan het dat jullie zo lang zijn weg geweest en jullie nederlandse collega's zo snel terug waren? Zegt een belg uit het groepje: ja vind je het gek, moet je eens kijken hoe hoog die nederlanders die palen uit de grond hebben laten steken...
Geniet ervan....
)Bij de gemeente zijn twee teams op nieuwe lantaarnpalen te plaatsen, een nederlands van 5 man, en een belgisch van ook 5 man. Ze vertrekken beide om 9 uur s'ochtens en ze moeten allemaal 10 lantaarnpalen plaatsen.
Om 6 uur komt het nederlandse groepje terug en ze hebben alle lantaarnpalen neergezet, ze besluiten toch nog ff te wachten op hun belgische collega's. Na twee uur gepilst (bier drinken) te hebben besluiten ze toch maar naar huis te gaan. De volgende morgen om 9 uur komt het belgische groepje eindelijk terug, vraagt de opzichter aan de belgen: hoe kan het dat jullie zo lang zijn weg geweest en jullie nederlandse collega's zo snel terug waren? Zegt een belg uit het groepje: ja vind je het gek, moet je eens kijken hoe hoog die nederlanders die palen uit de grond hebben laten steken...
Geniet ervan....
Divided.
Well-Known Member
Gaat om het idee niet om de mensen bedenk dat hierbij
Er komen 3 kannibalen het kannibalen restaurant binnen.
Één bestelt gekookte jood de ander gebakken neger en de ander gemarineerde turk.
Als ze klaar zijn met eten komt de ober met de rekening van de kannibaal van de jood ; 250 euro.
Vraagt de kannibaal "waarom is het zo duur?"
Zegt de ober : " ja na de joden zijn een beetje schaars " en dan zegt de kannibaal ok en dan is het verder goed.
Dan krijgt de kannibaal van de neger de rekening ; 375 euro.
Vraagt de kannibaal "waarom is het zo duur er zijn toch genoeg negers overal waar ik kijk zie ik negers."
Zegt de ober : " maar ja die negers zijn zo snel je krijgt ze moeilijk in het vizier.
Ook deze kannibaal vindt het ok
Maar dan krijg de kannibaal van de turk de rekening ; 750 euro.
Ook deze kannibaal vraagt waarom het zo duur is
"Er zijn nog meer turken dan negers en turken zijn zo sloom als mijn oma.
waarom is het dan zo duur ?"
Hierop zegt de ober "ja dat is waar maar heeft u wel eens geprobeerd een turk schoon te maken"
Er komen 3 kannibalen het kannibalen restaurant binnen.
Één bestelt gekookte jood de ander gebakken neger en de ander gemarineerde turk.
Als ze klaar zijn met eten komt de ober met de rekening van de kannibaal van de jood ; 250 euro.
Vraagt de kannibaal "waarom is het zo duur?"
Zegt de ober : " ja na de joden zijn een beetje schaars " en dan zegt de kannibaal ok en dan is het verder goed.
Dan krijgt de kannibaal van de neger de rekening ; 375 euro.
Vraagt de kannibaal "waarom is het zo duur er zijn toch genoeg negers overal waar ik kijk zie ik negers."
Zegt de ober : " maar ja die negers zijn zo snel je krijgt ze moeilijk in het vizier.
Ook deze kannibaal vindt het ok
Maar dan krijg de kannibaal van de turk de rekening ; 750 euro.
Ook deze kannibaal vraagt waarom het zo duur is
"Er zijn nog meer turken dan negers en turken zijn zo sloom als mijn oma.
waarom is het dan zo duur ?"
Hierop zegt de ober "ja dat is waar maar heeft u wel eens geprobeerd een turk schoon te maken"
Fox_gek
Pilsje erbij?
RonnyBravo
Registered Abuser
vooruit dan maar weer....
Waarom zit een eikel op je lul??
anders schiet je hand er telkens af tijdens t rukken ;(
Waarom zit een eikel op je lul??
anders schiet je hand er telkens af tijdens t rukken ;(
RonnyBravo
Registered Abuser
Komt een man met allemaal blaren op zn lul bij de dokter...
"Dokter ik heb een probleem, mijn hele lul zit onder de blaren"
Zegt die dokter: "kleed u maar ff uit dan zal ik er even naar kijken."
Die dokter kijkt dus een tijdje naar die lul maar heeft geen flauw idee waar t van komt...
Dus die dokter vraagt: "misschien heeft t met uw seksleven te maken... kunt u mij daar iets meer over vertellen...
Dus die man begint te vertellen: "Nou dokter 's ochtends als de wekker gaat, maak ik mn vrouw wakker en dan neem ik haar op 3 verschillende standjes...
dan ga ik onder de douche, en pak ik haar daar ook nog ff flink van achteren..
Dan smeert mn vrouw mijn boterhammen en neem ik haar in de keuken nog een keer op het aanrecht en een keer op de keukentafel..
Als k naar de auto loop neem ik haar nog een keer flink op de motorkap..
Op t werk aangekomen zit mij secetaresse al klaar zonder slipje en een kort rokje, dus neem ik die ook een keer op haar bureau en een keer op mijn bureau.
Tussen de middag heb ik nog een minnares, die neuk ik ook een keer of 3 / 4. Dan ga ik weer terug naar mn werk en pak ik mn secetaresse nog 2 keer.
Na het werk ga ik naar huis en ligt mijn vrouw alweer op mij te wachten op de bank, dan neuken we nog ff 2 keer voor t eten.
Tijdens het koken neem ik haar nog ff flink op het aanrecht, en tijdens de afwas weer...
's avonds voor de tv op de bank nog 3 keer.
Dan gaan we naar bed en laat ik haar nog 1 keer alle hoeken van de kamer zien.
En dat was het wel zo ongeveer dokter"
Nou, zegt de dokter, "ik denk dat die blaren dus veroorzaakt worden door al dat geneuk"
"gelukkig" zegt de man
"Gelukkig???" vraagt de dokter..
Zegt de man: "ja, ik was ff bang dat het door t rukken kwam"
hihi x|
"Dokter ik heb een probleem, mijn hele lul zit onder de blaren"
Zegt die dokter: "kleed u maar ff uit dan zal ik er even naar kijken."
Die dokter kijkt dus een tijdje naar die lul maar heeft geen flauw idee waar t van komt...
Dus die dokter vraagt: "misschien heeft t met uw seksleven te maken... kunt u mij daar iets meer over vertellen...
Dus die man begint te vertellen: "Nou dokter 's ochtends als de wekker gaat, maak ik mn vrouw wakker en dan neem ik haar op 3 verschillende standjes...
dan ga ik onder de douche, en pak ik haar daar ook nog ff flink van achteren..
Dan smeert mn vrouw mijn boterhammen en neem ik haar in de keuken nog een keer op het aanrecht en een keer op de keukentafel..
Als k naar de auto loop neem ik haar nog een keer flink op de motorkap..
Op t werk aangekomen zit mij secetaresse al klaar zonder slipje en een kort rokje, dus neem ik die ook een keer op haar bureau en een keer op mijn bureau.
Tussen de middag heb ik nog een minnares, die neuk ik ook een keer of 3 / 4. Dan ga ik weer terug naar mn werk en pak ik mn secetaresse nog 2 keer.
Na het werk ga ik naar huis en ligt mijn vrouw alweer op mij te wachten op de bank, dan neuken we nog ff 2 keer voor t eten.
Tijdens het koken neem ik haar nog ff flink op het aanrecht, en tijdens de afwas weer...
's avonds voor de tv op de bank nog 3 keer.
Dan gaan we naar bed en laat ik haar nog 1 keer alle hoeken van de kamer zien.
En dat was het wel zo ongeveer dokter"
Nou, zegt de dokter, "ik denk dat die blaren dus veroorzaakt worden door al dat geneuk"
"gelukkig" zegt de man
"Gelukkig???" vraagt de dokter..
Zegt de man: "ja, ik was ff bang dat het door t rukken kwam"
hihi x|
